What are the most common reasons for a couple to fight? Financial management, sex, who gets rid of junk, jealousy, or 'what about us'? Certainly the reasons for conflict are dear to most of us - unless they are some of us who concern us ourselves.
Although the categorization of causes, as the subject of the research, appears to have been of little concern to researchers, a group of psychologists eventually decided to put these issues down. They aim to see which sources of disagreement are most pronounced and how these conflicts affect different aspects of a relationship. What is the best way to deal with the problems that arise in relationships?
And further, such research can serve as a basis for a better and in-depth understanding of the causes of rising divorce rates, infidelity cases, potentially domestic violence and the negative impacts on children and society.
In general, people are more reluctant to marry, although marriage remains the crowning point of the relationship in most perceptions of the participants.
But it's worth looking at the reasons why many don't get married: One of the two partners is not financially or professionally satisfied, does not feel ready for the necessary commitment, or may feel that they are not with the right person .
The anatomy of marital conflicts
The research worked in three stages to give a better in-depth view. Initially, dozens of participants took part to examine as many causes as possible behind the conflicts in the relationships. The first data showed 83 different reasons for disagreement.
Through a variety of statistical techniques this list was compacted, resulting in 30 key causes that included substantially all aspects reported by the participants. Let's look at these causes:
1. When the other side does not show enough love.
2. Lack of communication.
3. When one party feels that it is not being given enough attention on the other.
4. When not appreciated.
5. Emotions.
6. The jealousy.
7. When there is contact and communication with a former friend.
8. When one side is particularly possessive.
9. Past relationships.
10. With whom do friends keep in touch as a couple?
11. Household obligations.
12. Who does the chores.
13. Who does more work / is more tired.
14.The sharing of responsibilities.
15. It does not appear when it is supposed to.
16. When 'at home' becomes 'indoors'.
17. One looks for physical contact / sex while the other does not.
18. The frequency of sex.
19. Sexual acts.
20. Mother-in-law.
21. Who is the boss.
22. Who has control.
23. Who is first in the hierarchy.
24. When it comes to what clothes to wear on the other side.
25. Religion.
26. Goals in life.
27. Future plans.
28. Issues concerning children.
29. Who has to pay for something.
30. When one side spends the other's money.
Apparently, many of these causes seem to overlap with others, so experts have created the following special groups:
- Insufficient attention or affection
- Jealousy and infidelity
- Tasks and responsibilities
- Sex
- Control and domination
- Future plans and money management
Dispute to the newlyweds
Heterosexual couples were also included in the survey, who were invited to participate in their first marriage, but also a few years later.
I. Initially, 214 people participated in the first year of their marriage. The majority lived together for more than a year, with women between the ages of 18 and 36 and men up to 41 years.
The survey cited demographic factors, completed data on sexual satisfaction, and commented - optionally - on whether they thought they would have an extramarital relationship within five years.
II. The second phase was completed three years later, with 138 people from the original team responding.
Statistical analysis showed that the questionnaires were effective in assessing marital disagreement and that the interviewed couples were generally consistent over time, as was the frequency of the different types of disagreement.
Quite interesting results emerged from the statistical analysis, at least in this group of study participants. Envy and infidelity tended to go down after a few years of marriage, control and domination matters were only significantly related to the spouse's higher income, and most religious people reported less disagreement about infidelity factors.
Overall, men and women reported the same frequency of different types of disagreements. Although the frequency of disagreements did not change significantly during the three years of marriage, relationship satisfaction improved over time, indicating that couples adjusted to a basic level of disagreement - regardless of the model for that couple.
The study found that:
- women were less satisfied when there were more disagreements over control and sovereignty,
- as women grew older, there was a greater conflict over infidelity and jealousy,
- Women's sexual satisfaction was lower when there was greater disagreement about jobs and responsibilities.
The future of conflict
The continuation of such investigations is certainly needed to validate the reasons for the disagreement found in this research, in order to examine a wider variety of couples, but also the stages and duration of relationships. However, this guide is a useful, well-placed 'road map' that can be used by therapists, researchers trying to understand and solve such problems, but also by couples themselves.
The better we understand the complex relationships of socio-economic factors, emotional and psychological elements and how they are linked through disagreements, the better we will be able as a society to understand the anatomy of the functioning of a relationship.
Learning how couples succeed in each of the six areas of disagreement and each of the specific sources of conflict will provide information for couples struggling to design more functional and satisfying relationships.
Bibliography:
Guilherme S. Lopes, Todd Sackelford et al, 2019, Individual differences and disagreement in romantic relationships, Science Direct, https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886919306750.
By Dr Angel,
Αggeliki Koskeridou
Holistic Doctor – Counseling Psychotherapist
Doctor of Naturopathic Medicine
MSc Health Psychology
insta: dr_aggelikikoskeridou_official
